Greener Pastures

I found a dollar on the linoleum floor of the deli across the street from my office. I thought as I bent down to pick it up, “Must be my lucky day.” Hours later I was laid off.

It was strange, bittersweet. I had been looking for a way out, a new job, going back to school. Something. If I went back to school, I was hoping my employment would last until the next school year. If I found a job, it would hopefully be something to finally utilize the “worthless” Bachelors Degree in English I have thus far let go to waste. But god, I wanted to go out on my terms, ya know? I wanted to be able to say, or at least to think, I’m leaving and although you need me, I’m going to go because there’s something better for me to do. But things didn’t turn out that way, and, I don’t want to say this is inevitable, but there was that lingering cloud of failure hanging over me as I was escorted out of the building (company policy, I didn’t going crazy on them). I’m not used to that. I can’t imagine anyone would ever be.

My friend Tom was in town, actually driving in as I was being laid off. And he was staying with me. That was actually probably a very good thing. While my mind was racing a thousand beats a minute: what do I do about money, do I have to move and get a cheaper place, do I have to leave this city I love so much, etc; I was at least partially preoccupied having him stay with me. I wasn’t  able to linger on such thoughts for very long, a good distraction. And then, the first night I had my room back to myself, I had an interesting dream.

I was playing basketball, a team mixed with my Brooklyn brethren, and guys from my middle school and high school teams, none of whom have ever met. And we were killing the other team, figuratively speaking of course. And I was leading; I was the star. I was a huge success and there was no cloud of failure raining down on me. The next day, messaging a friend of mine through Facebook, a now former coworker, asking me what had happened, I told her, “There’s that bittersweet element to it. There are greener pastures all around. Now I have the time to go explore them.”